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blah. [26 Jul 2009|02:54pm] Sorry IJ, once again. I have been way too busy. You haven't missed much though, I don't update anywhere very often. I have a couple things I need to write about though, that need to go here, that won't go on LJ. So you guys will really be up to date. Basically my friends are driving me insane. If I can even call them that. I don't know if I can anymore. 2 more entries coming up. post comment

sorries [01 May 2009|09:56am] [ mood | crazy ] Hi! I am still alive. There are a few entries I made on LJ that didn't exactly make their way over here. So if you're still interested, feel free to look around and find them. I am going to do better at this once I am done with school, I swear. post comment

imvu? [18 Apr 2009|08:11pm] How come all those ads for IMVU or whatever say "Live the lifestyle you've always dreamed of" and then they always show 2 chicks making out? I mean, I am sure that is what some people dream of, but I don't desire that lifestyle. Where are my ads of a sloppily-dressed woman surrounded by 10 cats? post comment

eljay? [16 Apr 2009|12:45pm] [ mood | contemplative ] After last night's site problems, and people on forums predicting that IJ was going to crash and burn like so many others before it, I freaked out and made a LiveJournal. I've always had one. But I made a new one for actual blogging, not so much just to read and comment on people's journals. I kind of feel like I sold my soul, I have never felt right on LJ. But this is the 3rd LJ-clone I've joined over the years, and the other 2 journals I kept (one on the infamous GJ) are gone. And I kind of don't like the thought of spending that many hours writing for nothing. But at least I know LJ has been around for awhile, and has the most people, and is probably the least likely to die. My name is also swebz there. If anyone keeps an LJ here please add me. I haven't decided if I'm gonna move (I really enjoy my IJ friends too) and demand you guys use openID, or if I should just cross-post all my entries to both places? I don't know. What do you folks think? 3 comments|post comment

blargh [16 Apr 2009|02:22am] [ mood | annoyed ] I think my Rust is doing better? He hasn't moved around much. But he did eat and drink a bit this morning. Maybe that will help him recover. He is getting better at sitting/standing up a little. This guy who works on my car was saying something I guess about how his cat climbed under the hood of a car and then someone started it and he got stuck in the fan belt and got a bunch of fur torn out. He went into hiding at it was assumed he was hiding to go die. A week later he reappared just fine. So maybe Rust is just doing that. Today I worked out. I am sore now. I went to my other class(skipped the first) and found that she wasn't there but we all had to watch a movie and fill out a worksheet to prove we were there. I hate when professors do that. But the movie was only 45 minutes long (it is a 75 minute class) so that was kind of nice. I have 6 actual days left of classes. It still feels like too much. Later on I am supposed to go intern at the Boys and Girls club. I don't like these outreach-y gigs. Basically I go with another intern or 2 and just "hang out" for an hour or 2. We're supposed to have some type of meaningful conversation with teens who don't know us and have no reason to talk to us. My professors say I have to do them or I can't graduate. I don't know why. These little trips aren't really helping me learn anything. My supervisor at Planned Parenthood doesn't seem to find it necessary that I go do these things either, but my professors insist! At least one of my co-interns said that the Boys and Girls club is a more positive environment than the other place we were going. I think I just inadvertently played footsies with a stranger in the computer lab. Also, my friend is in here, across the room, and she keeps staring at me like she does and it is driving me CRAZY. She is also staring at other people and listening to their conversations. I don't know why. And then later later I have to go do CPR training. As a direct service provider I have to be re-trained every 2 years. So, this is my 3rd time going, but I do tend to forget all the steps and they change with time, too. And, as always, I hope and pray that I NEVER have to use these skills. When I start a new journal I feel like I have to build it up with a few entries before I go back to updating 2-3 times a week. post comment

back and forth the waves keep crashing [14 Apr 2009|08:41pm] I don't even know. I guess today Rust got into some sort of accident. Not really sure what, but the guess is probably that he was fighting with some critter. He hurt his leg, and may or may not have broken it. I have no clue. My sister was the only one home. So I guess she brought him in to the vet and she and the vet decided not to do x-rays. The vet gave Rust an anti-inflammatory and then gave Shel some antibiotics to give him, just in case. It would be foolish to do x-rays if nothing is broken, not to mention ridiculously expensive. So he is just kind of lying around. He keeps trying to move and then he screams a lot when he does. I think that is what is freaking out everyone so much. I am hoping that everyone will wait a few days before taking him back to the vet. I mean, most likely it will heal on its own and he'll be fine. Even if it IS broken, it's not like wrapping it in a cast will make him more comfortable. He'll probably freak out even more. The leg isn't bent out of shape or anything. I think he might just have to take it easy for awhile. This is probably super selfish of me, but I don't want anyone to jump to conclusions and bring him in because I will have to pay for it. It's not that I mind, or that I don't care about my cat, but that's just it - he's my parents' cat. I mean, really. When I move out I do not get to take him with me. Three years ago, when I was a freshman in college, my parents "borrowed" $700 from me for reasons that I still am not sure of. When I was a sophomore in college, my dad closed the door on Rust's tail and rushed him to the ER vet on a weekend and then I "loaned" them another $500. So for a long time they owed me $1200. He paid my insurance a couple terms, so that cleared up a little debt (keep in mind he voluntarily still pays for my sister's insurance while I pay for mine, so in those terms it shouldn't have counted as "payback" while my sister gets a free ride) but yeah. THREE YEARS later, he still owes me around $700. If he can't pay it back in 3 years then I don't know when he plans to pay back anything further he borrows from me. I decided a long time ago that if asked for more money by my dad, I would say NO! All it would take is not buying so much tequila and beer and like magic, he'd have that money probably literally in only a few weeks. So here's my proposal. If I have to "borrow" my dad more money (because let's face it, I'm probably not ever gonna see it again) it will not be a loan, it will be me paying for the vet costs and in turn I get to take him with me when I move. Except I'm still not sure what that means for Sassy. Maybe I'll just take them both. I think I should take my mom with me also. My dad fought with her hardcore earlier, because before Shel brought him to the vet, she called my mom to figure out what to do. She brought him to the vet and all was well. After the fact, Shel called dad, and mom never called him in the meantime. So he was FURIOUS, natrually, because he didn't get to be the hero or the wise one or whatever. He was also furious that they decided against getting x-rays. So he was throwing a shitfit at my mom. She said to him (or so I am told) "Well no one likes to tell you about things like this because you turn into an asshole." And then I guess he called her a "fucking worthless piece of shit" and that if she didn't shut her mouth he was going to kill her right then and there. Awesome, right? It's funny (or not at all) because it's probably true. Seriously, sometimes I don't know who disgusts me more, my dad for being the world's biggest asshole or my mom for being dumb enough to stay with him. I wouldn't feel weird or childish moving out and having my mom come with me, in a situation like this. I hope she will. The cat might feel better if my dad would fucking leave him alone. He keeps touching him, yelling at him, being all up in his face. And you know, none of this would happen if my parents' weren't dumb enough to let the cats out. They need their FREEDOM, they say. We have had 4 cats disappear into the woods and 2 get hit by cars. If you haven't learned by then, man. It's like they WANT them to get injured and/or die. I was going to do homework tonight, I guess all of this kind of took precedence. 1 comment|post comment

happy easter monday! [13 Apr 2009|12:04pm] [ mood | crazy ] AHH yesterday was so cool! Actually, most of my weekend was. This past weekend was my church's first weekend in our new building. The first services were on Good Friday, I didn't go to those. Friday I got together with Sara and Sarah and Andy and we painted pottery. Sarah and Andy were in town for the weekend and last time I saw them I was becoming deathly ill. So it was nice to see 'em again. Meredyth and her friend Jill also joined us for pottery painting. I love the Pottery Burn! After that we went out to dinner and then to Savers (minus Mer and Jill). It was a good time and so amusing I cried. It still amazes me how awesome Sarah and Andy are, considering how COMPLETELY freaked out I was when they got married only after about 6 months of dating. I thought they were completely out of their minds. Turns out they are still completely in love with each other. And they are such a... not annoying couple to hang out with. Maybe it's because they're married so they are secure enough to not hang all over each other at every moment. I'm always amazed too at what a good sport Andy is when he has to hang out with a bunch of girls. Sarah trained him well. :) Saturday I worked, Sara came over afterwards and we colored Easter eggs. My sister insisted upon continuing childhood festivities since she will supposedly be moved out by next year. Except then when it was time to color eggs she decided to go to the movies instead? We had a lot of fun, though, and they turned out purrrdy. Sunday was so amazing. The new church is amazing. I was kind of useless during worship as I just kind of stood there and cried instead of singing. I don't even know what else to say about it. Sara came, my mom was there too, and Sarah and Andy and Sarah's parents. It's not often I have a big group of people with me! It is still going to take some getting used to, though. We have had a couple Easter services at the DECC in the past, because our old church was too small for regular services, let alone holidays where more people come. So being in this huge place kind of felt like it was just another special-occasion service. It didn't feel like this is the place I'll go back to every week. Not yet, anyway. I honestly am not sure if it's even big enough for all of us. I think during the building process we grew even more. But it is huge, and I don't know how it could get any bigger without becoming impersonal. We'd have to like... hold church in an arena. I think if this ends up still being too small we'll have to split into two churches. Afterwards Sara, Sarah, Andy and I went to Old Country Buffet for brunch. I ate too much and it was surprisingly very good. Then we parted ways and I brought Sara back to the dorms and I crashed on her extra mattress for a bit before work. I ended up working extra hours yesterday, and so did Jana. Our morning person had called in a week before saying she needed Easter off because she had "forgotten" it was her weekend to work (actually she only worked 2 days a month, she probably really did forget) and she was going out of town. We contacted her Friday and left a voicemail asking her if she had it figured out, because as far as we knew no one was covering the shift. No one was. She didn't show up. Not even a "sick" call in or anything. I found that a rather unfortunate thing to do on Easter. We had to get clients out to see their families and things. We were quite busy. So Jana went in early to get the morning going, and she left when I normally leave and I stayed late to cover the rest of her shift. It wasn't too bad though. Extra holiday pay! We also had a fancy dinner at work, too. I ate way too much there also. Today my stomach is not real happy with me. I have been significantly cutting back on food lately. It did not appreciate yesterday's festivities of overeating. For most of the day I am used to feeling a little bit hungry. So being SUPER FULL kind of came as a shock. Now I am going to go exercise for a bit, try to burn off some of yesterday's sins. I have this cute dress I want to wear for graduation, but as of right now I am a little too fat for it. I hung it on my bedroom door as a reminder. Then later it's off to intern. Hooray? 2 comments|post comment

where my final breath is the beginning [08 Apr 2009|09:32pm] [ mood | lethargic ] [ music | Downhere - My Last Amen ] Downhere has this really weird quality to their music. I met them at a concert once, several years back, because no one cares about Christian artists so their shows are really small, and you almost always get to meet the band. Unless they hide out after their set. Downhere always has something weird in their songs, an off lyric, something creepy in their voices, where you go "ohhh I don't like that" but you really do, and it bugs you but you can't stop listening. And they are Canadian, which equates to AWESOME. Most everyone who comes from Canada is awesome. Except Nickelback. Feel free to comment with any other not-cool Canadians, but I can't think of any. I am listening to music, except all my headphones are in my car. I have dreaded ear buds in right now. Ear buds do not stay in my left ear. At all. If it stays put through a whole song I am lucky. Really. I am not sure why this is, but I usually blame my anti tragus piercing (http://www.bmezine.com/pierce/01-ear/A90214/high/f0gi-anti-tragus.jpg) because I believe it pushes the earbud right back out. You know those other ear phones with the little clip that fastens around the top of your ear? I can't wear those either. They get caught on my industrial in the other ear. Hip and trendy piercings make it so hard to listen to music! But I like them so much! Um. Today I interned. It went well. 58 hours and counting! WHEE! Tomorrow night I will be also. I grabbed all the stuff I will need for this health fair tomorrow evening so I don't have to stop by the office tomorrow before the event. I have a giant basket of condoms for it, and well... I know the little fellas don't like to be exposed to extremely hot or cold temperatures. I don't know that it's "extreme" outside, but I brought them in just in case. And showed them off to my folks. I am a crazy bitch. You guys should SEE it. Though it's nothing to me. I have access to THOUSANDS of them on any given day! I felt I had something significant to say. I don't. I guess I just really wanted to write about condoms. 3 comments|post comment

you're the defender of the week [05 Apr 2009|09:11pm] [ mood | silly ] Today was better I suppose. I always feel bad for getting worked up like that. He knows when I am going out of my way to avoid him (above and beyond the general indifference) and I really hate making people feel bad. Even if they dedicate their lives to making me feel bad. I guess it was mostly fine because my mom and I were gone this morning and then later he was gone. I kind of talked over the med thing with my mom and I don't think she'll try to use that excuse again. I had forgotten that she tried Zoloft once, years ago, after a crazy quack doc my folks were seeing kind of forced it on them (he has since lost his license). So that helps, 'cause she actually DOES know how numb and zombie-ish one can feel on that crap. I was about to be all "You have NO IDEA what that is like..." Kinda glad I didn't. Today we went to church. It was our last ever service at that building. We are moving to a new church facility on Easter weekend. We (and by we I don't mean me, but the church community) built it and it is HUGE. It needs to be. Our church has grown from about 250 people when we first started attending in 2001 to about 1200 today. We don't fit in our little church and have grown from 2 to 5 services to accomodate. And it's not working. This has been several years in the making, and it is amazing, and I'm really excited. Still though, it was really sad to leave that place. I mean, I know, the building isn't the church, the people are. But still. That little place had been our home for 7 and a half years. It is kind of unbelievable that we have been there that long! And then all the shelves are empty and stuff, since it's all been moved. One of the pastors looked like she was going to lose it the whole time. My mom started crying. I almost did too. Still though. Another church bought it, actually several weeks ago. Our building wasn't ready so we were renting from them! It is pretty exciting that TWO churches will be celebrating new buildings for Easter. I hope the new church enjoys it as much as we did. I am really excited to see the new place. I'll have some of my best friends with me, and it will be amazing. I am also hoping that maybe with less chaos going on constantly, I will be ready to finally like, get involved with some stuff there. Like I have been meaning to for years. There is this guy that plays in the worship band sometimes, that is also a DJ on the radio station in town. He is so freaking adorable I can hardly handle it, in so many ways, I will not even bore you guys with that. I'd like to get involved with HIM. Just kidding, I always have crushes on the worship guys. He was kind of looking at me today and it got me excited but it was probably like "who is that weird lookin' chick?"... Haha, so I just noticed the other day that my Myspace friends went down. Mystery man from last fall deleted me from his friends, I am kind of amused because it took like 6 months for him to do so after he stopped talking to me. The guy had like 10 friends on myspace and now he has about 6. I have a feeling being a lonely pseudo goth in your 20s is hard work. I was thinking about how I tried to be friendly with him and he probably thought I was trying super hard to get with him, and in all honesty I really wasn't. I kinda liked him, but I am just not that forward. Or fast. This always seems to happen to me with guys that I am really not trying with. I was thinking in the future, if any guy rejects me or tells me that I'm not getting any from them, and I wasn't really trying in the first place, I will tell them I'm a lesbian. Just to mess with them and maybe get them to not be so cocky about their self perceived desireability? There was no real connection between all those subjects, but I don't really care. I have to work at 8am tomorrow and haven't even touched any homework that is due tomorrow/Tuesday. So I am going to go do that now. 1 comment|post comment

*yawn* [04 Apr 2009|09:13pm] [ mood | exhausted ] Yesterday was awesome. Today was not. Yesterday Surrra and I went to Cassie's to see her new cat. Her name is Daisy and she is grey and very fat. It is kind of funny because back home at her parents', Cassie had a fat chihuahua also named Daisy. This cat was from her boss, so she didn't really get to name her. What a beauty! I loved her. Even if she puked twice while we were there. Then we went to India Palace and had delicious food, and then to the grand opening of Savers. I invited a couple other folks and it was fantastic. Afterwards I went back to Cassie's for a bit and played with the kitty some more. She was just TOO CUTE! I hope to hang out with her more now that she is normally in town on the weekends, and see that cat more, too. Sometimes it is nice to feel like I have friends. I know I do, but on a day to day basis it is hard to realize that. Today was crappy. I interned, which was really no biggie. It was kind of nice. Later I was on the phone with my mom, and word vomit kind of took over. I made some offhanded comments about how I hate going home and life with dad is miserable. They probably came seemingly out of nowhere as no real "crisis" has been going on with him lately. But every day has been miserable as long as I remember and I usually just suck it up and deal but every so often it pops up and I have a meltdown. Usually then my mom tells me I'm an idiot and she'd do something about him if she "could" which she probably always could have but didn't, and won't, and then forces me back into complacency until it pops up again. She invited me to Target with her when I was done, as a distraction? She said I could go to the grocery store but that didn't sound too fun. Then came the kick in the gut: "You sure this isn't just because of the Lexapro?" OH NO YOU FUCKING DIDN'T. I hate that all of my thoughts and feelings can be completely invalidated because I am no longer on meds. I said "Nope, I can take all the meds and have all the therapy I want, he'll still be a jerk." And it's true. This happened the whole time I was on it, and before that. All that shit did was make me feel tired and foggy all the time. Maybe she liked it that way. It kept me from seeing anything for what it really was because I was just numb. I mean, I would get upset plenty of times, but then get too tired to keep up with it. Now that I'm off it I must just not be thinking clearly. Not really. I think the problem is that I'm thinking TOO CLEARLY. I never told him that I was quitting them. If anyone would invalidate everything I say because of it, it'd be him. I'm starting to seriously regret telling her too. Seriously. If no one knew, no one would say "You've been acting strange. Are you still taking your meds?" I drove home beyond depressed and angry. As I got closer the lump in my throat got bigger and bigger and finally I was like a mile away and I started sobbing violently. I pulled off onto an abandoned road for awhile. Once that stopped I almost fell asleep, so I figured I should probably keep going. Just what I need is for people to find me sleeping in my car a mile from home, since they already think I'm sick. So that's about that. I said like two words to him and then took a nap. Sort of. Nothing's really going on. But I think I finally gave up. It's been a long time coming. I tried for so long to have a decent relationship with the guy, but it just isn't possible. My only choices are bad relationship or no relationship. So I picked no relationship. And the pressure is building... I can tell he's getting angrier and angrier every day as he tries to talk to me and I don't reciprocate like he wants me to. What is there to say? Anything I say can and will be used against me, for the rest of my life. That includes things I never said and never did, too, if he is drunk enough. It is really hard to shun someone you live with. Cassie was telling me that the place she works at is looking for a part-time social worker. Like 30 hours a week. Ohhh... I really hope I can get in there. I need to get out of here. There's no changing the situation, all I can do is leave. And I should've done it a long time ago. The shit's gonna hit the fan any day now, so the sooner I can get out the better. 1 comment|post comment

hahaha [01 Apr 2009|09:01pm] Friends only post coming, so I can babble like a giddy little school girl. :) post comment

i was too scared to start now i'm too scared to let go [31 Mar 2009|09:27pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | FM Static - Take Me As I Am <3 ] Today was snowy. Though surprisingly less bothersome than I thought it'd be. Though coming across a spun around car on the freeway only to see my friend sitting behind it was a little unnerving. She's fine though. I think the car is too. I thought I might get stuck at work again overnight, which I just did like... 3 weeks ago. I don't know why snowstorms also fall on the same days of the week all the time. Luckily that did not happen. I mean, last time I was kind of secretly happy about it, because I never want to come home anymore. It's not really home anymore. But being stuck there was even worse. Luckily the roads were just slushy. I sped through them on the way home making lots of noise and a huge mess everywhere I'm sure, but it was FUN! In other news, I wrote a weekly update for my supervisor for the past week at my internship. I included the bit about the program I went to last week, and how it inspired me, though not in as much detail as I had here. I am always accused of being too closed up and not expressing myself. I wrote a little about how it was as hard to work at Planned Parenthood while I'm a Christian as it is to be a Christian while working at Planned Parenthood. Didn't say anything more than that, just kind of an... observation? I received a reply saying that I should not assume what kind of attitudes people there may have about religious beliefs, because they are more open than I give them credit for. And then that I shouldn't ever mention my beliefs. Wait, what? We had a message one day at church about what it means to be persecuted against. If you're one of those folks that goes around condescendingly quoting Bible verses and telling people they're going to hell, and people reject you for it, you can't cry "persecution." Offending people like that is ASKING for rejection and it isn't ever gonna make anyone actually want to follow Jesus. Real persecution is when others take issue with you just for the fact that you are a Christian, not about anything you've ever said or done to piss them off. They're pissed solely because you ARE. I have a hard time with persecution. I mean, I realize that it is going to be a part of my life no matter what, and that's just too bad. I don't expect everyone to just love what I believe and celebrate over it. But I've never understood why people have to be haters about it. I try to not go beyond the mere fact that I am with most people, and not press it any further unless asked (exceptions for some people I trust). I mean, I'm not gonna just not tell you, or worse, deny it. It is what it is and I don't think it should change the dynamics of my relationship with anyone. I guess I have too much of a nicey-nice approach of "Let's all just get along." And that isn't how it works. I'm finally figuring it out. I'm not gonna melt under the pressure though. I can take the heat. I also think, though, that I can't have it both ways. I have to pick one or the other. I think I made my choice, I just have to wait until the university lets me walk away. 2 comments|post comment

and the wonder of it all is i'm still standing [29 Mar 2009|08:57pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Monday Morning - Next Year ] I'm never sure of what to put for my mood so I just pick 'cold.' Because I am always cold. My house has never been properly heated, I've known that since I was 8 years old and my friends would come over and keep their coats on. My folks can't afford it. It's the way it's always been, but I still get chilly. I hope I can afford heat when I get out on my own. It's been an interesting weekend. Friday night I went to this event sponsored by a women's rights group in town called the HOTDISH militia. That sounds kind of silly. HOTDISH stands for "Hand Over The Decision, It Should be Hers." They help women access reproductive health care and stuff. I guess the name does get your attention for sure. It was at UMD and we watched the documentary "The Education of Shelby Knox." Shelby Knox is a woman from Lubbock, Texas, who fought for real sex education while she was in high school. Lubbock teaches abstinence-only and has a teen pregnancy and STI rate far higher than anywhere else in the nation. She put up quite a fight, though it doesn't sound like a whole lot has happened down there. Besides, you know, 15 year olds popping out babies and a lot of new cases of gonorrhea. The thing that was so interesting to me was that throughout all her battling, she has to defend herself as a devout Christian. She comes from super conservative family (who oddly enough supports her the whole way...) and belongs to a southern Baptist church, and has taken a purity pledge. So she's got all these right-wingers, which she is one of them, basically, telling her she's going to hell for trying to get sex ed in the schools. She's always arguing with pastors about how she feels that God called her to fight that fight. Later on she also takes on fighting for gay rights in her high school. I was watching her and listening to what she had to say about God and sex and feeling like she stole the words from my brain. It inspired me because I get crap for what I'm doing, too, though it's on a much lower level. No one has ever come up to me and told me I'm going to hell for this, but I do get crap, and more often I get weird looks. On BOTH sides. Sometimes I'm not sure what's weirder, telling another Christian I intern at Planned Parenthood or trying to explain to someone at Planned Parenthood that I am a Christian. I really thought I was the only person in this position. She's 22 now, my age, so when she was doing all this say like, her junior year, I was a junior in high school too. I was discouraged, though, because she was at the event for questions afterwards, and she isn't really a Christian anymore. Well, kind of... she gave a really short explanation about how she still believes in Jesus but can't follow a religion that is oppressive to women? Jesus' teachings aren't oppressive to women. The church shouldn't be oppressive to women if they're following the right way. But I can see how she would say that. A lot of churches are. I mean really, I have no idea what it is like to be raised that way. I was not raised in a church. I never took a vow of sexual purity. Sometimes it is hard for me to understand why anyone would walk away from Jesus because I tend to believe that it's been all rainbows for everyone else like it has been for me. Ok. Not that I haven't suffered, and not that being a Christian is never hard. It is. Sometimes more often than not. But I just mean... I don't know what it's like to be fed horrible and frightening lies about Jesus. I don't know what it's like to have been hurt by a church. NO ONE has ever forced me to do this, this whole church thing, this whole baptism thing, this whole Jesus thing. Ever. I'm fortunate to have done this in a way so that it's always just been me and my God, and other humans haven't ever really interfered. Some have tried, some I've almost let in, but it never really lasts long. Turns out humans can screw up this whole Christianity thing pretty badly, and I just take for granted that it only happens to extreme people in cults or something. Too bad it has happened to most everyone, including many friends and family members I'm sure. The rest of this weekend has been mostly working. Not bad. I do like my weekend crew. Last night Shel and I tried to participate in Earth Hour but I don't think anything was really happening in town, though we'd heard things. We gave up and went to Pizza Luce for some artichoke dip and tiramisu. We split both, because we weren't really that hungry. Ohhh it was so good though. My stomach has been awry for several days. I don't know if it's from the Lexapro or hormonal or what (started a new pack of birth control today, so I was off it last week) but I decided to see if it's the Lex. So I stopped taking it entirely. Today was day 1 with none at all. I've had minimal stomach issues and feel great. I hope it continues this way. I am ready to be done with that stuff completely. Tomorrow I was supposed to go to an all-day diversity training at UMD, but I attempted to register too late. I don't know if it matters, if I could just show up, but I'm not driving into town and spending forever trying to find parking if they really are strict with the registration and turn me away. I don't know how enjoyable it would've been anyway. Plus, we are supposed to get up to a foot of snow tomorrow. Oh, Minnesota. I love you but I'm getting tired of your shit. 2 comments|post comment

a little closer [26 Mar 2009|09:17pm] [ mood | sleepy ] Well, what do you know. I feel much better today. Oh uterus, your ways are so difficult on my brain. Well, emotionally. Right now my stomach is trying to stab me in my liver. Or something. It hurts a lot. So physically things suck, but you can't have everything. So I had a brilliant idea today but then it turned out to not be so much but now I guess it was again. For the past week, there has been a nice desk sitting outside of my mechanic's shop. It had a sign by it saying $10. I was like, I would like to have that. So today I talked to them and arranged to have my dad go get it. It has been out in the elements, so I got it for free. Looks fine though. Anyway, my dad brought it home and it is A LOT bigger than we'd anticipated. We measured it and realized we can't get it in the door without taking it apart. I was disappointed. If he knew that when he was there, why did he take it? We also realized it is 5 feet 3 inches long and if it were to go where I want it in my room it would block out half the window. So I ruled out that option. I have a desk, but it was from my great grandma, and it is really old and wobbly. Also, when we were kids, my sister thought it was funny to cover it with stickers. So I am not particularly fond of it anynmore, and I know I don't want to take it with me when I move. I had hauled my old desk out of my room and raced to clean up for the new one. But we decided to scrap that idea. I'm not putting it in here. So I brought my old one BACK in here and put it back together. At least I cleaned it out enough to put my computer on it again. Maybe it will be easier to do next time, now that I cleaned up a lot. The huge desk we took will probably still be put to use, though, as an actual computer center for the desktop. That is what it's meant for, with the little roll out keyboard drawer and all that. I mean really... I don't think $10 fold-up tables from Wal*Mart are meant to hold computers and printers and all that. That's all we've ever used. And it is heavy and highly unorganized. So if my dad can take the real desk apart, get it inside, and put it back together, I think it will be a lovely addition to our home. In the meantime, if anyone has a desk they wanna get rid of, call me! 1 comment|post comment

i will hold on to this hope that i have [25 Mar 2009|08:54pm] [ mood | trying... ] [ music | Fireflight - You Gave Me A Promise ] My spirits have lifted slightly today. But only slightly. Once my uterus does what it needs to do I think I will feel better. But it's taking its sweet time... Actually, you can say what you want, about me being sad because it's that time of the month, or because I am consuming less and less Lexapro all the time (almost done completely). But overall, I think I just suck at life and that is why I am sad. Today we had a staff meeting at work. It sounds like I will be able to pick up some extra summer hours. I told my boss I wanted at least 2 days, and that I couldn't do Fridays. I hope she remembers that and gives me them. It doesn't seem that we have a whole lot of competitive people lookin' for extra hours right now, though. An extra 12 hours a week would amount to about $500 more a month, and with that I definitely think I could move out successfully. The only challenge would be maintaining that once the summer's over. I really do not know what the hell I am going to do. About the last thing I want to do right now is get a social working job. Really. God will provide, right? Right? That's the thing about this wallowing in self-loathing. There's really no room for God. Maybe that is why I always feel so crappy. It is just crappy all around, for so many reasons. Today I interned. It was lackluster. Most everyone was gone to Pro-Choice Lobby Day at the capitol. I decided not to go, I don't know how pro-choice I am anymore. It kind of disgusts me to even think of it. I've spent the past year working at the most pro-choice agency in the world and it turned me into a pro-lifer. I think of these crazy zealots screaming at young women "MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE KEPT YOUR LEGS SHUT, WHORE!" and holding up pictures of aborted fetuses (which are actually often chipmunk fetuses. Not humans. Really.) I'm not like that though. I don't think I ever could be. I mean, I guess I still respect the right to make that choice. I just think it's a horrible choice to make. I don't believe enough in the cause anymore to go to politicians and press the issue. I just have to make it about another 6-8 weeks in this place. They never have to know. It's so weird, to treat it like this awful secret. But it is. Them finding out I am pro-life would be like a studying at a Catholic seminary while you are secretly gay and having someone find out. Or something. Except wait, that one happens all the time. The only pro-lifers that volunteer at Planned Parenthood are the ones with an "agenda" that are trying to shut the place down and/or plant a bomb. I don't like that thought because that is about the last thing I would ever do. The only thing on MY agenda is to finish up my hours there and be done. See why I have to keep it from them? 3 comments|post comment

sometimes there's no one left to tell me the truth [24 Mar 2009|09:24pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Less Than Jake - The Rest of My Life ] Today on my way to school I felt this vague gloom wash over me and thought I might cry. Two tears fell down my face and I decided I didn't feel like putting forth that kind of effort. This has been happening to me a lot lately. I'm vaguely depressed but not in the form of any type of crisis, mostly because I am just bored. Everything is meaningless. It isn't any sort of desperation from having nothing. I guess I have somethings. But none of it means much of anything. It's gotten so meaningless I can't even cry anymore. I am the type of person who is in a near-constant state of weeping even when things are going well. I think that was the one thing I had left. I wish something would come around to prove me wrong. But I feel like a huge attention whore for even thinking it, much less mentioning it. 1 comment|post comment

ho hum [23 Mar 2009|09:25pm] [ mood | sleepy ] Today was one of those days that started out as a bad day. Why? Because I woke up. It was kind of a dumb day of wondering what was happening. Stuff got canceled AGAIN at my internship. But I ended up doing some stuff I needed to do anyway. But I've decided I don't think I want to work with at-risk youth anytime in my near future. No thanks. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to help them, because I am afraid of them. I shipped my first Etsy purchase out today. I really hope I get to do that some more. Last weekend at the mall I came across a lint remover for clothes, like, not a sticky tape, one of those electric thingers that is like a razor for clothing. I bought it and it is amazing. Some of my old sweaters and stuff that have little lint balls all over, look like new. I'm excited! ...It doesn't take much. My back hurts today. I don't like it. Also, I am very bloated. Silly PMS. 1 comment|post comment

fantastical! really. [22 Mar 2009|07:39pm] [ mood | chipper ] Today has been an excellent day. Earlier I went to this woman's house to re-plant her African Violets. I think I mentioned her before. She was in the nursing home for like, 2 weeks, but liked me I guess, and I gave her a plant, so I went over there today to re-plant them. Only thing was that they were all in bloom, and you're supposed to be able to plant them while they're flowering, but I've had some die on me that way. So I hope all goes well. Otherwise I have like 30 plants here and I will just give her a bunch of mine to make up for it? We basically established that my mom and I will be going to visit her again. Really cool lady. Also, she insisted on paying me. I figured $20 was good, 'cause I bought dirt for the cause and such, and then it'd be a little something for me. She wrote the check out for $30 without telling me. Sneaky old lady! On Friday, I came to the discovery that my PayPal account was not verified, thus I was unable to receive funds on it. I have had an Etsy store for 2 months and not made one sale and was kind of disappointed by that. Turns out no one could've bought anything had they wanted to. I was kind of amazed at my own stupidity on that one. So I fixed that on Friday and last night, I HAD MY FIRST SALE! I am so excited. If anyone wants to check it out go to: swebsdesign.etsy.com. You can really buy from it now! So does that mean that people have actually been LOOKING at it? Have I missed out on a ton of sales? Who knows. And for Alethea. A sneeze belly is a problem that afflicts me often. It is when I get incredibly nauseated, I get nauseated almost daily, I am used to it. But this type of nausea is extremely unsettling and uncomfortable (I also have a phobia of vomiting so it usually triggers a panic attack). Just as I am about to get up to run to the bathroom and attempt vomiting, I sneeze really hard. And then just like that, the nausea is totally gone. Sometimes it takes a couple sneezes to get rid of it. But all it takes is sneezing, which to me is much better than vomiting. I have no idea why this happens, but my dad gets sneeze bellies too. Dinner time! Asian chicken salad. YUM. post comment

yay! [21 Mar 2009|10:00pm] [ mood | chipper ] I finally uploaded a user pic you guys! I'm a creepy paranoid who is too lazy to make her journal not public, and I don't like the thought that people I know could find my blog. If someone read for long enough they'd know it was me, but I try to not use much identifying info up-front. So I opted for this little guy rather than a pic of me (I'll post one someday). He is my friend Sarah's guinea pig. His name is Johann. Not all that relevant to my life, but is he not FREAKING ADORABLE? In other news, a lot of my digestive problems earlier culminated into a sneeze belly. And that was all. I've been having a lot of sneeze bellies lately. 1 comment|post comment

owwww [21 Mar 2009|08:48pm] [ mood | nauseated ] Blargh. Tonight me and Shel went to the Old Country Buffet. We do it every other weekend, because we are dorks, and we like to eat lots of food. I don't know what went wrong but I am NOT feeling good. I ate one heaping plate of food tonight. Yeah, it was a lot of food, but I usually eat more. I usually would at least go back for some seconds, if only a few. I would also usually get a couple desserts. I didn't get any, well, except the Contraband Cookies that we always secretly stuff inside our purses to eat later. I shared some ice cream with Shel but that is usually in addition to eating 1 or 2 other sweets. Also, I was careful not to eat much today. I was "saving myself" for the buffet. I ate less prior, and ate less there than usual, and I feel like CRAP. I have irritable bowels sometimes and they are trying to kill me. It is fantastic to be walking around and then all of a sudden your stomach cramps up so hard you can barely walk to the bathroom to poop. That happened twice before we even left the mall. My stomach is cramping up again... It has been a good 4 hours since we ate and I still feel horrible. Pukey burps creeping up my throat every few seconds... I want to go to bed and it's not even 9. Maybe some of the food wasn't cooked properly? Also, my space bar key is only working some of the time. I don't like that much. post comment

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